Tuesday, December 2, 2014

more of my personal journey...

Oh, great! Another personal post by Hartless.
Yes, I've been posting a lot of posts that aren't necessarily interesting to the average blog reader, but my goal when I started this blog was to keep a record of my journey.  Sure, it's a great way to keep everyone informed of all that is happening in our league, and to (try to) help promote any events we may be having or appearances around town; but, for me, on a personal level, I wanted to be able to also capture the personal aspect of derby.  We're more than just a bunch of girls trying to play derby...we're people.  With feelings and stuff.
So, with the end of 2014 right around the corner (all of you gasping and screaming 'December just started!!' can just simmer down...it's now or never sometimes, with me!), I've been thinking and mulling and changing decisions about what I want out of this experience...changing back...  It's been a pretty emotional and stressful few months, since returning to the league, full-time, in October (after taking it easy in September).  I went through the excitement of returning to skating with the league and getting to 'play' during scrimmage drills; and, amazement at how far a lot of skaters had progressed in just a month...but mixed with a little pride when I saw that I could still keep up!  There were some issues that annoyed me a little, when common sense seemed to be overpowered and taken hostage by confusion and manipulation; but, faith was restored when the disagreements didn't crack the foundation of solid friendships.  And, it's the big issues and disagreements that really help to put things in perspective, isn't it!?

My break in September was my attempt at finding where my heart lies in derby.  Did I have it in me to spend so much of my time on this?  Well, I missed it enough to go back.  But the dynamics change as a group of skaters progresses and moves forward.  And everyone must change a little to continue to grow.  With new people coming into the group, and veteran skaters sticking around...the dynamics must change...we all must adapt.
But when you are adapting to fit into something...you must also decide how much you are willing to change who you are, in order to fit in.

I hit a wall during my first month back.  I had no idea what I was hoping to gain from being back in the derby world.  It seemed more overwhelming than before. I had a hard time motivating myself to finish a practice...sometimes to even START a practice.  What was I doing here??
It was then, that I made the decision that I would skate out the rest of the year, and leave derby behind.

November, however, had me helping more with our newest members, and renewing my love of the sport! So, I kept my lips sealed, in anticipation of changing my mind back to staying with the league.
I was having fun with these new girls!  I felt that I was being changed in ways that I was proud of...again.

Where am I going with all of this?
I'm making it official on my blog today...I am no longer in derby to become a rostered skater.  What I want out of derby is a feeling of happiness and accomplishment.  I played one scrimmage and it was so great!  I will never forget that experience or the joy it brought me!  But, now what brings me joy is helping the new girls learn the basics.  Helping them understand the rules.  Watching them progress from their first day in skates to eventually being placed on a team in the future!  There was nothing I could teach the original league members, anymore, and that was where my love of the sport was coming from!  Realizing that, and finding a place within the league that I could continue to have that feeling over and over again has renewed my love of the sport!  And I get to continue to be a part of this league as it grows over the years.

And, so now instead of being without derby as of January...
I'm paying my dues, renewing my USARS insurance, and buying a new helmet!
My integrity and perseverance were put to the test, and I feel like I've passed with flying colors!
Derby and I are happy together, again!