this is a post of the personal nature.
This is, after all, my personal blog...documenting my life in roller derby. And, this stage, as emotional and confusing as it is, is a legitimate part of this life.
I've decided to step out of the league for a bit. I say 'a bit' because I don't have any set plans for how this will work out. I can only say why I made this decision. Past that, it's all a 'see how it goes' sort of process.
So, the 'WHY'...
...basically, it's too much emotion for me...
Yes, i said that.
Here's some history.
A little look at my personality a year and a half ago.
If I didn't have to work, and I lived in the woods, I would've been that creepy person parents told their children to stay away from. I liked being alone. I didn't like people around me for too long. I liked not having plans. I enjoyed a life of getting up early, getting work over and done by 1pm at the latest, and then locking the doors behind me once I made it home again. I turned down most plans, and those I didn't turn down, I would either cancel last minute or deal with the sickness I got from my anxiety (that is how people really knew I cared...I suffered social situations for them!).
But, I was so intrigued by this roller derby thing!! It always fascinated me, what little I knew about it. I had the supreme fortune of starting when the league formed, knowing the co-founders already, making it easier to convince myself to check it out.
I put my heart and soul into this league, and I regret not a single minute of it.
But, as the past few months have chugged along, I have been less excited to go to practice. Less impressed by having guests come skate with us. I longed for the days when my minimal skills were enough to get by and make me happy. I had not progressed, skill-wise, in quite some time. I was scared that it would be so obvious during our first bout, that I had considered leaving the league before the game!!
The smarter, braver side of me won out and I pushed myself, hoping the bout would re-ignite my passion.
It did, to a degree...but I was still pretty stagnant in the skills department.
I have been becoming increasingly negative, as far as my own perception of myself...and the last thing I wanted to do was let that toxic attitude spill over into the league. Not after we've come so far. Not when the league is at a pivotal point in it's advancement. Not when everyone needs to be positive and helpful and eager to do whatever it takes to keep the momentum going forward.
I'm not saying I'm a hero for stepping out...I'm saying that I love this league and I want to be able to get my issues worked out and still have a league to crawl back to!!
I am proud to say that I have been part of our training committee pretty much since the league started forming committees. I have done what I can, but in the meantime, I have let myself go. I am unable to help the training move forward, while I am in such bad shape. My number one goal, in the up-coming month is to get back into shape and work on all the little things I am having trouble with. That way, when I re-join, the rest of the league can see that I have improved and I'm ready to play. Getting fit will hopefully give me that boost I need, personally, to get better at derby.
In the meantime, I'm still going to blog.
I'm going to continue to keep track of my fitness progress. I'm going to bring my camera to a few practices when I can make it. And maybe try to get to some open practices.
I'm not leaving for good. I'm just dialing back the intensity for awhile.
And, in doing so, I'll be enjoying the company of my in-laws for the first two weeks of september! Free meals and cocktail hours! Ya-hoo!!